My first week in Georgia, quotes from PT instructors, and things i have learned so far

Well as you all know (well if you managed to find my website you probably know me in some way) i am now in georgia training to be a gov't law enforcemnent agent. It is very hot and humid here, today its 95 and 80% humidity and the locals told me this is late spring to them. makes me excitied for those 3-4-5 mile runs i will be doing.

i was going to take some pictures and show you the places, things and my fairly awesome room (no joke its pretty sweet, its like a decent size hotel room) around the base but i forgot that its the goverment and i would probably lose my job if i took any pictures of the funtivities i do here.

with that being said, things have been going pretty good, i have to get up by about 5:30am if i want to make the 6am bus(they bus us around the campus, its probably a 15min walk to the dinner hall from the dorms) to breakfast in time so i can eat and still make it to lineup before our class coordinator comes inspects us. one guy wore the wrong belt and was told to run back to the dorm and back with the correct belt on. now i know its only 7am but its still like 80 degrees and 100% humidity still that early, plus we are in full gear, that totally sucked for that guy.

Thursday our class had our inital PT test and also some PT fun time with the PT instructor, it sucked way bad, but here are some select quotes and conversations during that first session

"Open your eyes, this is not a dream, yes the mats are blue"
--ok i was trying not to laugh at this one, i dont know if he was trying to yell at me or if he thought i was colorblind

"You are not a snake, stop slithering on the ground"
--if i hadent been in so much pain and in push up position i would have been laughing, one of the guys was getting so tired he just went down while in push up position

"Stop panting, you are not a dog"
--interesting choice of motiviational yelling

"you can quit at anytime, there are 3 exit doors in this room, in fact one of them has a green lit up exit sign on it"
--wow really?, hmm, if i entered the room from a door i think i would be capable of finding the same door out, but thank you sir.

here is one of my favorites this is a conversation between one of the trainiees and a PT instructor. we were about 30min into tourture stretching and position holding and at this point we were told to have our arms straight out in front of us like frankenstien
PT Guy: "Do you think you could hold this gun"
Trainiee: "Yes, Sir"
PT Guy: "Are you sure"
Trainiee: "Yes, Sir"
--PT Guy then puts his rubber fake gun back in the holster and walks away defeated, this was soo funny but none of us dared laughing. the funny part about this whole thing was there was about 5 other PT instructors in the room and this was the first time this guy spoke up and tried yelling at one of us, all i could picture was him sitting at home the night before thinking to himself ideas of ways to "motivate" us to do better and all of a sudden he comes up with this great line, he writes it down on scrap paper and puts it into his short shorts (they all wear short shorts, why, i think its an ego thing...Also, i had no idea why i was required to wear shorts that even NBA players from 1982 would consider too short)

"Why are you shaking, You are not a salt shaker"
--wait what?


anyway so thats kinda a summary of how things are going soo far, i've been trying to work on my reviews for mexico, but with training about 12 hours a day (by the time i get back to my room its 5:30) i dont have much motivation to attempt to be funny.

If you guys are bored or just want to laugh at me, give me a call, and i'll tell you stories that will make your bad day look like a day at the beach, or at least make it not as bad.

later
Kubz

What I Just Saw

While doing some yard work today I glanced up to see a man drive by. Not just anyman, but a man driving an electric wheel chair and on his lap was a empty propane tank. He was in a mad dash to get it filled. Looks like a great day to BBQ.

Beaver and Butthole

All I want to see is an E True Hollywood Story on Beavis and Butthead.

Buz vs. Peepers

Ok ladies and gentlemen this is Buz and my brother Peepers and I are going to debate something that I heard slip out his mouth earlier. He said Wesley Snipes is a great actor for doing horror movies along with all of the other mainstream actors that dabble in the horror culture. I on the other had think it is for other reasons which I will state in my opinions.

Peepers: Well then well my take on it is today I see a lot of very good actors in horror movies.... well I believe there is two reasons for that.. One is there looking for work and two I think their trying to show that their not just a one trick pony.. There are very many horror movie and horror movie remakes that have come out lately which surpass the original....Like I said this is just my opinion and I hope they remake and come out with many more great movies....PEACE!~

Ok Peepers, Will Farell i s a one trick pony (as he yells from the smoking room). But he does not do horror movies. Wesley Snipes on the other hand does. Aside from the fact they Wesley may have to pay 5 million in back taxes and probably sit at least a year in the penal system. Mr. Snipes is the so called Icon of the Blade series. Seriously what is the last REAL movie that Wesley has been in. White Men Can"t Jump has been years ago and really all that that movie did was give dorky ass white men think they can ball and chill with the "thug life". Wesley is doing horror movie cuz HE CANNOT GET ANY OTHER WORK. Who wants to pay him so ridiciously salary for some movie that will have 1 big week in the theaters and then be shit until it comes out on DVD. Peepers is next to me and getting all agitated about this and wants to voice his comeback so here he comes. Maybe Woddy Harrelson will do horror movies. Actually I have note seen Leonardo Capario in much lately...maybe he is working on some lame horror/suspense movie.

Peeper: Ok well i have to say yes wesley hasen't been in a GREAT movie in a while but I think hes has been in enough of them for it no to really matter that much.. Also its always great to see a veteran in something you wouldn't expect and totally see them in a different light. I swear if woddy had a good lead on a great horror movie he would take advantage, no doubt about it. you have so many great actors doing it , liv tyler (The Strangers) (Jon Cusack 1408) I just think these type of movies are getting a lot more attention and are grossing a lot more income then they ever have in the past.

Chrome Penis Man Novelty Dog Style Meat Cooker

I first heard about novelty hot dog cookers on a forum back in November of 2007.  Upon seeing this feat of modern culinary engineering, I knew I had to get one.  So I headed out to a giant strip mall featuring such stores on Target, Wal-mart, Sam's Club, World Market, Pier 1 Imports, Linens N' Things, Home Depot, Lowe's, and Subway.  I closely examined the inventory in the kitchen and home section of each of the previously mentioned stores.  To my dismay, I was completely skunked.

Disgruntled, I headed home and did the only thing that any reasonable man would do in my circumstance - I cried myself to sleep.  The next morning I returned to the forum to see if I could find more information about buying the excellent hot dog cooking product.  In an amazing twist of fate, I accidentally clicked the "EB" button on my bookmarks bar in Safari ("links" bar for you windows users).  The "EB" button took me straight to the greatest online marketplace of all time, eBay.  My heartbeat grew faster as I knew I was seconds away from being able to pick from any number of novelty hot dog cookers.  After sifting through the various ads, I arrived at one that offered 5 of the cookers for $49.99 shipped.  The deal was sealed via "Buy it Now" within 2 minutes.  Not only was the price and shipping fair, but the cookers were chrome.

Last week was my first opportunity to use the cooker.  Brats are one of the more difficult items to grill, in my opinion, based on their high grease content and propensity to flare up

and burn to a crisp.  Not with the chrome penis man hot dog cooker.  The brat cooked perfectly and timely.  It was juicy and delicious.

I highly recommend the penis man novelty hot dog cooker for everyone, as it is an integral part of any man's grilling equipment arsenal.  Make no mistake - if you invite me to your barbecue and don't have a chrome penis man hot dog cooker, I will leave and steal your dog on the way out.

This marvel of modern hot dog cooking equipment receives 5 out of 5 flying monkees.

The Alternative Holiday

Today is April 20th and is considered a holiday among some social networks and life styles. Whether you celebrate or not is your own business. The activities that you participate in and what keeps you entertained is what is important. Some people have family gatherings like what is done on Christmas. If it is a nice day some may take it outside for a nature trip, disc golf perhaps. And almost religiously, some still drive out to the dessert to worship the sun gods. I started by rolling out of bed around noon. Had the hydrophonics concert last night at the Carpet and it was High Class. As I got up and got my head thinking straight I was craving some Trailer Park Boys. Those of you that are uninitiated; Trailer Park Boys is a mock reality show about the shitty, stereotypical people that live in trailer parks. This is a Canadian show that is not shown in the United States. It is honestly the funniest thing I have ever seen. South Park, Family Guy, Beavis and Butthead separately, not a chance. Combined...maybe. I highly recommend you checking out more of their episodes.

Check out the first 3 or so minutes of this clip. I challenge you to leave me a comment on something that is more embarrassing than this.




The next 3 videos are of Ricky. Ricky is about as dumb as they come. Ricky is also a genius.





This is a court hearing Ricky had to go to so he could get his daughter back. She is 9 years old and was pulled over for driving in the trailer park. The look on the Judge's face is priceless!





Best line from this video. "This is such bullshit Donny. Your gonna throw me out of jail are ya? I got every right to be in this fuckin jail and to serve my sentence. Darrin, you got to play in nets. Wayne don't get drunk before the games. Steve move up to left wing."




Well this has taken up an hour of my day. Hope you enjoy it.

New site is up

Thanks to a major donation from our newest sponsor, Horseface Industries, we now have moved the site to www.sweatna.com . So put down the bong, Update your bookmarks, (for the thousands of you that have our site bookmarked) tell your friends, and continue to check back often to the only web site where sweat is n/a.

It's Saturday

Not Sweatin it Anymore

I'm not sweatin Brett anymore, never really was. I can't sweat the fast food robberies either. It just gives me another reason not to eat it. Upon reading the news paper today I realized that Fishing Opener is right around the corner. I am looking forward to a sweat free summer limiting out on Walleyes. Here are photos of other people not sweating it.






Far out man, far fucking out.



That guy who almost got the King House closed.



Barry White

Dear Buz,

That is all
-Kubz

The Greatest Debate is Settled

Let it be known that today I am taking a personal day. No work, not fuckin headaches, nobody. I started my day with breakfast at Perkins with my uncle Bob. He has had a rough past few weeks. It was nice to see him out and laughing. Leaving breakfast I decided that I was going to go for a cruise since I was on a motorcycle. The 50-degree sunshine didn’t feel bad but it didn’t feel relaxing. I started to get cold and head back home. To warm up I took a relaxing bath and read the newspaper. I skimmed it over, paying particular interest to the Sports pages, since that’s the only section that is not full of lies. The comics on the back page were losing my interest and Sudoku looked like too much work for a guy who is having a “Jason Day”. Examining the bathroom radio I discover albums of Guns and Roses and Motley Crue. Hairbands! Bonus! I would probably tried drowning myself if it had something like Shania Twain or Salt –n-Pepa. http://en.wikipedia.org/wiki/Salt-N-Pepa I stuck mostly to the less metal songs. Its only 1pm at this time. I cannot be rocking out hard to “Welcome to the Jungle” and “Livewire” at this time of day. My energy would have been shot by 7pm. Slashes guitar solos and Tommy Lees drum tirades, I was feeling it. One with the music. So far this had been a great “Jason Day”. The one thing I can take away from this day so far is knowing this. In the end Paradise City edges out Girls, Girls, Girls and Welcome to the Jungle as the most kick ass song of that era. The only way it is getting any better is if the Crue performed it. That’s ballsy to say I know. Especially since I was to young to understand the music at that age in my life. I thought of it as shit. I was probably listening to Salt-n-Pepa. P P P Push it Real Good! I’m out and I’m stickin to it. Personal day so far has been awarded 5 out of 5 Flying Monkeys.

**A 2nd Opinion from Kubz**

Well thats like your opinion, man. Clearly you forgot about "Sweet Child of Mine" and i know that GNR is good but your fogetting some great songs and bands of that era, "Dr. Feelgood", "under pressure", "sister christian", "shook me all night long" "Master of Puppets" "Mr. Roboto", "We're not gonna take it" and "Candle in the wind"... ok well maybe not the last one, but you get my point.

Also how can someone who's unemployeed take a personal day?

I give your review 3 cheap trick album covers out of five

****The real story. Brett you bastard, I am an employee of the St. Cloud Hospital. but i have not started yet*****

Shit happens in 3's

Disclaimer: The views, grammar, spelling and general hilarity of the author does not necessarily reflect the views, opinions, English equivalency level, skullduggery, and/or Tom-foolery of the site or its other writers, Read at your own risk.


(first 2 lines are sung to a bad ass gangsta beat.)



The Grand Masters back with a tragic story to tell.



About three fast food bitches you know so well.



Yes, these stories are tragic. The first 2 are about how the American public is getting over priced and shorted by the fast food industry. It is a clever tactic orchestrated by upper management and carried out by lower and non-management employees: Steal from the customer so you can make internal theft and waste numbers look better. This in turn inflates profits. The last story is about a legendary burger barn forgetting about what matters to the customer and only focusing on output and mucho dinero.

It was the day after St. Patrick’s Day and I was hungover. I knew I needed to get some food into me soon. No greasy burger was going to do it, and I refuse to run for the boarder. I decided that Taco John’s sounded Awesome! A 6 pack and a Pound would do me well. After carefully looking over the drive through billboard, and ordering from someone that also seemed hungover, I now awaited my Crispy Chicken Potato Stuffed Burrito and 2 soft shell tacos with a medium Potato Oles’, and dipping sauces of guacamole and cheese. To wash it down was a Diet Coke. After paying and eating both soft shells at was now me and the open road. It was about time for the Potato Oles’. Surprise Surprise! Strike one comes in the form of no Potato Oles’. I got my cheese sauce, got my guacamole sauce but no fuckin Oles’. These workers need to stop and think. Who orders sides for Oles’ and no Oles’? Probably nobody. Make sure the Oles’ are in the bag. Gets even better. As I was waiting for my order I notice a sign on the window that says there is a 800 number on the receipt and that if you call and tell them how your service was they will send you a $2.00 USD off coupon for your next visit. I thought to myself who the hell is going to take time to call that for 2 bucks. The only people that will be calling in are poor ass people and mostly poor ass people calling to bitch about their order being fucked up. Really, how many orders can they honestly fuck up. My missing items totaled more than $2.00 USD. Majority of people are not going to call in for fear of being labeled as a poor ass. Rob the customer says the fast food industry.

The second story is about something in this world that I can’t live without. Wings! I am going to share my story about getting shorted to save a buck. Ironically I am eating wings as I write this. I first became interested when I saw the KFC commercial about their new crispy wings. I will be the first to admit that I am a huge fan of their Colonel’s Extra Crispy Chicken, and if they can get that same crunch in a wing? I would have to see for myself. Yesterday I needed to go to Menard’s to buy lumber for some manly project I was working on. On the corner of this parking lot is a KFC and the commercial of the wings and the people having a party around a bucket of the crispy wings popped into my head. I had two choices; 6 or 20. I went with 6 although I could have handled the 20 hands down ya know, not sweatin that. Six-pack came and I started eating. After 2 wings gone I decided that these wings are no Buffalo Wild Wings but it’s a new idea and the flavor was great. Something that I would order again but probably not go out of my way for. I should have 4 more wings left but I look down and there are only 3. That makes a total of 5, not 6. Robbed again by the fast food industry during slow business times.

The 4th and last story is how a legendary icon in the Central Minnesota area fell to the almighty dollar and sacrificed qualities the customers came for. This is about Val’s Hamburger Stand on St. Germain in the deep east side of St. Cloud. I remember my dad taking my brother and I there when we were young and would go to town with him so mom could finally get shit done at home. A double cheeseburger with bacon, regular fry and milk shake. The burgers would have to be wrapped in a minimum 2 wrappers because these burgers were so juicy. They would be topped with pickle slices, fried onions ketchup (not catsup) and mustard. That’s how you ordered them, with the works. Fries were a thing of beauty in their own right. Regular sized fry ment this. Burger on the bottom on the bag, regular sized bag of fries then they fill the bag at least half full with more fries. The fries are some of the best you can get anywhere. A shoestring class fry that is in the grease until the perfect crispness is achieved and salted to perfection. I have not been to Val’s in several years. When I got there of course there was a line. But everything in the ordering department is computer automated. Which means no more giving your order to the man, Val. Ok let’s see how bad I can fuck up my order. Eventually everything was ordered and I stood against the wall in the 5x10 foot ordering area. Food came and I ate. First off the onions are raw and not friend, plus they were diced. Pickles were not in slices they were in what looked like a very coarse relish. Patties looked a little fuckin weak too. All in all the burger was half ass. Luckily the fries were good and I don’t use ketchup. Unknown to me all condiments must also be ordered on the touch screen and cost $.05 USD. I was actually surprised by the lack of effort. As I was watching the people in the back making the burgers and fries I notice that they are using a tube with a gun configuration on the end and they are squirting something on the burgers. I thought maybe it was ketchup and mustard. After eating my burger I believe it is a mixture of ketchup, mustard, onions and pickle pieces. This nostalgic eatery in the St. Cloud area has given way to “the man” and now has to cut corners to make it look good in the books. Also I was not pleased because my bag wasn’t saturated with grease. I believe it is the grease and the effort that went into their old burgers is what made them special. I was robbed of a great memory from my childhood by the fast food industry. Plus their fuckin buns were dry as horseshit!0

Overall I give it 0 out of 5 flying monkeys. I feel cheated and so should you.

Wicked Awesome News!

The 8th annual Random Reviews and Deep Thoughts Fundraiser was a smashing success. We raised(after paypal takes there imaginary "processing fees") $9.86 or 1.73 Kinghouse buffets!



You may be asking yourself where is all this money going? Well i will be disobeying what my somewhat confused grandma always told me and i will be spending all that money in one place, and no Officer R. Cook, It wont be on a 8 team parlay where "i could turn like ten bucks into $700". I am getting this site hosted! no more .blogspot crap.



But before we change it over i thought we could all vote on what the site should be





Unfortunately my first choice http://www.sweat.ca/ is out of the question (thanks to stupid Canadian laws made by those damn french-Canadian surrender monkeys)




so before i put a poll up i would like you guys to suggest to me some ideas




so far here are my ideas
http://www.sweatna.com/

http://www.sweatfreereviews.com/

http://www.sweatisna.com/



Email me your ideas at kubz21@hotmail.com

Poll to come soon, eh

“The wearing my high school letterman jacket after I graduate guy”

This review is not just about this bold 20 something who I ran into last week but dedicated to “The wearing my high school letterman jacket after I graduate guy (or girl)”

Ah, the letterman jacket, made stylish in the early 90’s by a group of teenagers at Bayside High School and the pretty boy mullet sporting Alfred Clifford (A.C.) Slater. The letter jacket was also made into a stereotype in great movies such as Varsity Blues, The Breakfast Club and The Scarlet Letter.

Admit it, you either had one or hated the people that wore one. Being the athlete, naturally I had to add to the stereotype and get one. Despite how you felt on the subject everyone does this one thing when the see a letter jacket, they look at the year. Even to this day I still do this, memo to Chris Hansen Dateline NBC; I do not hang out with high school kids. (“All right, I'll ask! Ma'am, where do the high school girls hang out in this town?” -> 5 Schrute bucks to whoever gets that quote). Another thing I always looked at after the year was how they got there letter. There were two types of people that I always found funny; the Fine Arts letter people (the people that got there letter for academics or “jazz band”) and the almost athletes (the one with the weightlifting patch or the athletic team managers). I will be the first to admit that I did letter in band, BUT, I wasn’t about to be stupid and put it on my letter jacket and risk being “that guy”.

Now, no matter what you lettered in, how many “bars” or “3rd place synchronized swimming solo division (yes this is a real patch and yes I’ve seen someone wear it)” patches you had, there was one very clear unspoken rule. After you graduate you don’t wear it. But as we all know there is always a “that guy” and the rare “that girl” who dare to be bold.

Onto the individual in question, it was a fairly cold day when I ran into lets call him “Rico” I saw the basketball and football patches on the one sleeve and then looked at him, he looked older so I stealthfully moved behind him, around to the other side of him to check out what class he was. This action was foiled by the presence of only bars and no “08” as I expected to see. Now my curiosity had peaked even more. I was debating what little options I had. With no other clear identifiers, I realized that my only option was to ask him. Now this is where it can get really weird, I am 24 years old, and if I go up to this guy and ask him what class he is, he’s gonna probably thing one of two things, either A; I’m a former player from his high school who is creepy, or B; that I’m just a creepy guy.

While I was thinking about these things in my head the best possible thing happened, he turned around. That’s when I saw it glaring back at me that “03”, vindicated, amused and mildly shocked and with grin/smile on my face, I stared, and that’s when I saw him looking at me. You know that feeling you get when you get caught accidently staring at a woman’s chest, or someone’s obviously flaw (i.e. mole, birthmark, kankels)? And then that awkward few seconds when your eyes finally meet the person you’re staring at? Yea it was worse. Quickly trying to save face, I grabbed my cell phone out of my pocket and pretended I was on it; I managed to get the picture as well.

This made me wonder, what was “Rico” thinking when he woke up this morning? Were all his other jackets dirty? Did he think he was going to a class reunion? Is he trying to pick up high school chicks? Is blue his color? My guess is; no, no, yes and yes. This also got me thinking of situations where it would be ok/normal to wear your letter jacket after you had graduated; the following is the list I came up with

1. You find a time machine and travel back in time to your senior year so you can finally complete that Hail Mary to send your team to state.

I challenge you to submit to me any other valid reason to wear your letter jacket in public. Kubz21@Hotmail.com

That being said, “Rico”, and everyone like him out there cannot be taken seriously, I also challenge you to find, “The wearing my high school letterman jacket after I graduate guy (or girl)”, and try to talk to them for more than 3min without him or her making a reference to their “glory days” or to “back when I was in school” (obviously high school because that most likely the only school they ever went to).

To quote Jim Levenstein from American Pie 2, “Ok. Now, do these high school kids think that were cool, because there at a college party. Or are we those weird older guys that try to hang out with high school kids but we don't know it”. Well if you are wearing a letter jacket then you are the weird older guy and you need help before you end up hanging out with Chris Hansen.

Because of “Rico’s” boldness and fashion style I award him one flying monkey out of five.

China Garden's Happy Family

After a Democratic primary like vote of hundreds of thousands (ok so only 18) “Happy Family”, in a stunning upset, narrowly beat out the early heavy favorite Kung Po Chicken and the John Edwards like Moo-Goo Gai Pan.

After seeing the will of the people, I moved forward with the next, and most difficult, stage in the Chinese dish review process, placing the order.

I sat at my desk armed with only my office phone and a standard tri-fold cream colored China Garden take out menu, which informed me that “We Open 6 day”, luckily the menu informed me that “Sunday close” and today was not the “7 day”. With that cleared up I turned my headset volume up to near max (I don’t know why I did this, maybe I thought I could understand them better?), prepared for anything, and made the call.

One ring later a man picked up the phone and just said “China” in a questioning tone. I was caught off guard by the response; I wasn’t sure if he was expecting a call from someone in China, former women’s pro wrestler Chyna, or if he was waiting for me to answer a question about China. After a few seconds of indecision on how to answer him, I said the only two words that I knew he would understand, “Take Out”. I couldn’t understand what he said next but not wanting to stray off my plan of attack I just said “Happy Family” after a short pause he replied with “ok 10 minute” then he hung up. No total, no asking for a name, nothing.

With the hardest part behind me, I relaxed and thought of random things I could do to keep me occupied for the next 10min. after about 5min of blind staring at my planner I realized that the China Garden only takes straight cash homie, upon inspection of my wallet I only had nine dollars. Despite not being told the total during the phone order phase I still knew that, according to the menu, the dish was $9.75 plus tax. More than 5 min from the nearest ATM I became that guy and counted out two dollars in dimes and nickels from my desk.

Finally it was time to go get my food, not wanting to be that guy who shows up and pays with change I looked around (called his extension) for my office assistant, and like most assistants he was no where to be found when you really need him most. With no other option, me and my handful of change walked the ten feet next door to pick up my “Happy Family”. After getting the awkward “why are you paying in nickels and dimes” look, I then made another “that guy” move, I took a penny from the take-a-penny/give-a-penny to make it so I paid in exact change.

Now I am someone that really likes Chinese food and I at least have an idea what is in most of the dishes, but with “Happy Family” I didn’t know what to expect. You know that mysterious seven layer salad that your strange aunt always brings to thanksgiving that you just have to try otherwise she’ll nag you all afternoon? It’s like that only instead of it being a salad, it’s Chinese and instead of your aunt making it some guy name Pang made it and he wont try to hug you after you try it.

The reason for the comparison is that as I ate it out of the classy white take-out boxes, each bite I took revealed different foods that were not at the previous layer. It’s like finding a treasure chest full of American money and directly underneath that treasure chest is another treasure chest but this time it is full of Euros, ya one is worth more that the other but they are both money, just like this dish.

It started out with beef, chicken and some veggies on the top, no complaints there, then after a few bites I discovered the mushrooms. Mushrooms are like the coleslaw at Applebee’s, ya it comes with everything but id rather have more fries. Now I am not a big mushrooms guy and I can handle them, but this layer I was at had way too many mushrooms. There was some positive though, this bite also revealed the pork and broccoli that was hiding. After a few more bites I discovered the most ridiculous Chinese food ever, the baby corn. Just look at it and try to tell me that it’s not ridiculous. Just when I thought I was getting too full to finish I got to the shrimp, and that’s when my second wind kicked in. It was like the last 20min of every Rocky movie (except the original, Rocky gets his ass kicked), with Chicken, Beef, Pork and Shrimp being my Apollo Creed, Clubber Lang, Ivan Draggo, Tommy Gunn and Mason Dixon.

I did manage to finish it all; it was very filling and fairly good. The sauce was a mix of soy sauce and sesame oil a little bland but not too bad. All the veggies (Carrots, broccoli, water chestnuts, baby corn, sugar snap peas, and bamboo shoots) were really crisp and tasty. The shrimp went great with the sauce, the chicken and beef had a little kick to it but not much (They still tasted excellent), the pork was a little tough but I didn’t sweat that one too much.

So to sum it all up what have I learned today, besides how to say computer in Chinese (Thanks worthless information on my fortune cookie!). I learned that my six lucky numbers (at first I wondered why six but then it dawned on me “hmm six numbers in the Powerball, six lucky numbers coincidence? I think not!”) were not lucky, not even one of them matched any of the numbers in the Powerball drawing. I learned that grammar is not important to any Chinese restaurant flyer designer. And finally, I learned that the Happy Family dish is like Capitan Planet, when the forces of Chicken, Beef, Pork and Shrimp combine, Pang the China Garden chief flies in out of nowhere and says “By YOUR powers combined, I am Happy Family!"

Pros: “Happy Family” tasted great, it combined all of Ted Nugent’s food groups (Chicken, Beef, Shrimp and Pork), the veggies mixed well with the sauce, and it will fill you up.

Cons: There were too many mushrooms for my liking, and the sauce needed a little kick, it was a little too bland.

Overall I give it four flying monkeys out of five.

New Poll and other random info

Well its been a busy week for me, Buz is sick and Jason(Heeb) is playing with broken robots in a foreign country (Ohio). So none of us have had time to write a review.

Anyway, you guys voted to have me review the Chinese dish "happy family" and that will be coming later this week.

Recently the idea of putting a series of reviews with the same theme was suggested to me by a R. Starr (Do a google image search for "Doland, sd" or click here) of Doland, SD (Home of the State 2003 7th place Doland/Conde Chargers Girls Basketball team). At first i thought the idea outright ridiculous and uncanny, but after some serious and lengthy (about 4 minutes) soul searching i came to the conclusion that it was a ridiculously awesome idea. So take a few seconds and make the selection that you would like to see reviewed more in-depth than a 13 year olds myspace page by Michael Jackson.

Thats all i got for now, feel free to email me (Kubz21@hotmail.com) if you have any of the five C's, Comments, Concerns, Criticism, Complements or Questions......

Kubz

Saturdays Tribute to Rage Show

As I sit here listening to Renegades of Funk eating a orange sherbet push up, only because the Schwan’s man was out of the kind I wanted, I reflect on how kick ass my Saturday night was. I went to the Red Carpet to watch one of my favorite local bands; Tribute to Rage. If you are still lost let me explain it to you. They are a Rage Against the Machine tribute band. The lead singer is the front man for a handful of other local bands, the lead guitarist used to ride my school bus and it is hard to find someone who can rip it like he can, the bass guitarist is an old family friend and he has style. I sat up in the mezzanine area with a group of friends and some people peeps that I met that night. The place was off the hook. The dance floor was elbow to elbow of people jumping around feeling the music and working the flow. The sound is similar to Rage but they put in their own twist to make it their own. I am all for that. I was kickin it with the bassist’s older brother so between sets we went in the green room at the carpet and chilled with the band. They are a total cool group. Plus I met a pretty rad chick that night so all in all it was a kick ass night. I give it 5 out of 5 flying monkeys.

To: Kleenex, From: Concerned Consumer, Subj: Please, Man the F*ck up!

I...

... am a man. This was realized at a very young age at a very awkward moment... gender defining moments that Im sure we all went through.

Like any good man, I grew to appreciate everything that is inherently manly. Beer. Big Explosions. Power tools! Ass kicking in all its forms. Beir. The ruggedness of beard. Food (red meat, or prepared by women). Cars (fast or big, mean or sexy). Chest hair. Fire. Sleep. Not asking for directions. Face melting guitar riffs. Blowing things up. Rational thought and discourse, followed by irrational activities and actions. And never being wrong.

Also, like any good man, I fully realize that I and I alone epitomize all that is man (like any man should). I revel in my statuesque wonder. I radiate beams of awesome that force the weak and feeble-minded into submission. Everything around me exemplifies and reflects the manliest of man.

My issues with Kleenex began at the local Walmart. I entered the store, and headed about, seeking various manly implements needed for only the manliest of ventures. You know, things like car parts! Massive tires! Large Stereos! Biore Pore Strips! And Explosions!! (they were on sale)

As I dodged, ducked, dived, dipped, and dodged around the fattest women Dayton Ohio could muster, I finally stumbled upon the household goods. Figuring that I had strayed from the path of my manliest of missions, I figured I could stop in and pick up a few delicate essentials.

Now at this time, I had been recovering from some kind of sickness. Most likely a badass, manly virus, as it had somehow beaten down my immune system and made life inconvenient for a couple days. My throat was sore and woke me at times in the middle of the night with hacking coughs. My nose was constantly compacted with bodily fluids. Mostly I felt like shit. Well, in the recovery stage, I had begun to discharge large amounts of viscous fluid from my nose. A manly, though inconvenient, occurrence. As cool as this was, I figured a box of ladylike tissues couldn't hurt too much. So I wandered over to the tissues.

This is where I found issue with Kleenex. My small (but manly) apartment is arrayed in striking, bold dark blues and blacks; shades of gray tastefully thrown in. Some might argue that tasteful decorating is not manly, but I say if god gives you lemons... you FIND A NEW GOD!! (Reference from: Here and Here) I had hoped to find a generic box, but no. Alas, Kleenex had shafted me with the girliest shaft it could muster.

As Im sure you've noticed, littered throughout this rant are several boxes of Kleenex. All of them sport sickening arrays of flowers, daintily arrayed in pastels and shades of pinks, purples, and baby blue (although baby blue is arguably a shade of blue, this fact will be ignored to support men everywhere).

What did I have to settle for? Blue flowers.

Man... fuck that.

3 flying monkeys for functionality.
-2 flying monkeys for failing at being awesome.

Minnesota Lady Gophers vs. Wisconsin Lady Badgers Basketball Game

Yes I actually went and let me explain before you jump to any conclusions on your “jump to conclusions” mat. Earlier in the week my dad mentioned that one of his friends dropped off tickets for the Minnesota Gophers basketball game on Saturday. Well my dad couldn’t go, so he asked me if I would use the tickets so they didn’t go to waste. So I said I go if no one else could. Saturday morning rolls around and my sister and mom said they would go with me so I grab the tickets and we headed out.

The first warning sign that I failed to notice was; that while walking from the parking ramp to Williams Arena, there was a large number of middle-aged butch-like women walking with us. The second warning sign was the lack of seeing anyone my age. Well we entered the arena and I still was oblivious to the fact that there would be no real basketball played today. As I walked into my section I looked up and I was overcome with visible shock and said “you gotta be kidding me, it’s the woman’s team” loud enough for the people around me to hear. Next I examined my ticket to see if I should have known this was coming. As you can see from the picture, there is no mention or even hint that it’s the woman’s team. I commend the marketing team. Still shocked about the situation that I put myself into I wandered to my seats and sat down.

Instead of a pretty good fast passed action packed basketball game I was expecting, my next two hours were going to be filled with lay-ups and coaches in pants suits. I sat back in my seat and accepted my fate.

Upon scanning the crowd I realized that I was severely out of place, the other four people in my row had a combined age of 827. Besides the band and male cheerleaders I was probably the only 20-30 year old guy there.

Now I am not a sexist but what I watched there today was an embarrassment to Dr. James Naismithan and the sport of basketball. Yes, some of those girls are very athletic but I’ve watched better basketball at 6^th grade city in-house leagues.

During the game a couple next to me, with Minnesota sweatshirts on, started cheering for Wisconsin and Minnesota, because “all the girls out there are trying really hard”. Hate to break it to them but this isn’t a 5^th grade science fair and they don’t give out participant medals to the girls when the game is over.

The halftime entertainment consisted of two bigger women getting 60 seconds to shoot lay-ups to win some prize. It was like watching Britney Spears’ performance at the Video Music Awards, so bad but you couldn’t look away. In 60 seconds both of them combined to make three lay-ups. Speaking of lay-ups, apparently when a girl makes a lay-up the crowd cheers like she cured cancer and AIDS.

The most entertaining and most WTF Mate? moment of the game came in the form of two guys dressed up as Easter bunnies. They constantly were on the camera dancing but no one ever gave an explanation for why they were there.

For how bad the basketball was the game was close till the very end, I actually was worried that by some cruel, strange twist of fate that the game would end tied forcing several overtimes.

Luckily there were no overtimes. Now I bet you’re wondering who won, the Minnesota Lady Gophers or the Wisconsin Lady badgers well they both lost, actually when women play basketball there are no winners why? Because no one cares.

Today I experienced something no man should ever go to unless you’re guaranteed, in writing, to get some from your significant other. And even in that situation I would not recommend going.

Zero flying monkeys obviously, I need to go do something manly to redeem this travesty of a mistake I made today.

Hot Wings

So tonigh I went to meet some old coworkers for happy hour. We met at a place called the Hayloft outside of St. Cloud. I was hungry so I decided to order some hot wings. This place is famous for their broasted ckicken so I figured the hot wings would be bomb ass too. Well the wings were 7.95 which i thought was pretty steep. When they came I only got 6 pieces. What the fuck! And to top it off the guy had the greese cranked all the fuckin way up because they had a fish special on taht night so the outside was all flakey. All of the hot wing exterior flaked off. The hayloft can bowdown and so can their shitty wings. I give them 0 out of 5 flying monkeys. Never again my friends.

$Buz$

Chipotle’s Crispy Tacos

Last night I was at Old Chicago working on a quest called the “World Beer Tour”. I decided it was time to sample the best beers from our hard working neighbors to the south, no not Iowa, the great nation of Estados Unidos Mexicanos. Needless to say this was a fantastic decision on my part. Nothing says authentic Mexican beer more that a Corona.

As I was reflecting on the muy bueno beer from the previous night, it got me thinking about other great things from Estados Unidos Mexicanos such as their food. I was hungry and after several agonizing minutes of debating what to do, it came to me. Nothing says authentic Mexican food better than Chipotle.

I printed out one of their fax order sheets and mulled over what to get. Feeling like trying something new, I went with the four crispy chicken tacos option. Too “busy” to venture out in the arctic weather, I needed to find someone to go get it for me, someone that does things when told, someone who knows the value of hard work. There was only one person that came to mind, my office assistant. Rather than pull myself away from my work and walk the 10 feet or so to talk to him, I called his extension, informed him of my situation and told him the money and order sheet was on my desk.

He returned about 25 minutes later and brought my food to my desk. The tacos were wrapped up in tinfoil, I thought it was NASA blanket like, to keep them warm, but I was quickly proven wrong. The first problem came when I opened the tinfoil NASA like blanket, revealing only three crispy tacos instead of, what their menu so clearly states, four. Disappointed but too hungry to deal with it right now, I dug in. The first taco I attempted to pick up was already broken and when I picked it up 57% of the contents fell out. Finally after taking a bite I realized that the tinfoil the tacos were encased in was merely for show. I’m no food connoisseur but from the best of my Mexican food knowledge is that tacos are suppose to be hot, or at least warm. Mine were neither hot nor warm. This was a huge letdown, but I was hungry and I did pay for them so I continued on.

On the positive side the tacos were crispy and tasted pretty good, and the chicken despite it being cold had the same good flavor that you’d expect with authentic Mexican. After I was finished with my three tacos, I was very disappointed with my selection and should have stuck with the always reliable burrito.

Overall, the situation with me being robbed of one taco, them being cold, and one being broken upon arrival, Chipotle’s Crispy Tacos, has the potential to be very good. But mine were not, lucky for me I had a bag of Cinnamon Twizzlers Fire Pull-n-Peel and some New Hot Tamales ICE, to fill the void. Because of the situation I’m giving Chipotle’s Crispy Tacos one flying monkey out of five.

Via Restaurant Review

Friday night I tried out a new eatery in the Minneapolis Area. It is called Via Cafe and Bar and is located at 6740 France Avenue in Edina. I went with my good friend Laura. She always knows where the newest places to eat are, offers great conversation, and is pretty easy on the eyes. The inside was very nice. It had a great atmosphere. We were put on the waiting list. I did not make reservations because I wanted to sit in the bar for a drink and observe clientele and the staff. The bar was cool, I thought the room was a little small but it worked. In the middle of the room was the bar, it had a beautiful granite top on it. The seating was limited tho. Around outer edge by the walls of the room were smaller bistro tables with flashy looking chars to sit on incase you decided to eat in the bar area. We got our table and the service was excellent. We asked our waitress about different item, what she would recommend and she was knowledgeable about what we asked her. This is a big plus because sometimes I will get a bite to eat at a sports bar and the servers there are huge dingbats. I would say the layout of the dining area was cozy. Cozy meaning the tables were placed too close together. If someone were sitting next to you they could mos-def listen in on your conversation. Although it was decorated nice and it did have an open kitchen in the back so you could see your food being prepared. Laura ordered the Scallops (big shocker) and the mixed vegetables. The presentation was wonderful. I tried a little bit and it taste great. I ordered the baked cedar plank salmon with the spicy broccoli. I will start off with saying that the broccoli tasted amazing. They used minced garlic and red pepper flakes for their seasoning. Although about 2 hours after dinner I was back in St. Cloud at the bar with some friends and I developed some of the worst smelling burps I have ever had in my life. The after affect was not good. The salmon was standard. It is hard to mess up salmon. I personally have a salmon recipe to die for so it is hard to stack up. The bill came and they forgot to transfer our drinks over from the bar, BONUS. The prices were nothing out of the ordinary. The bill was paid and off we went.

The food was good, atmosphere and company were great. I would go back there again but I am not in any hurry. Krave is about 30 seconds from there so I would rather hit that Restaurant up instead. I would give this place 4 Flying Monkeys out of 5

Cinnamon Twizzlers Fire Pull-n-Peel

Today during my lunch break I ventured through the cold and wandered the 20 feet next door to the Walgreens. My initial intentions were to kill some time and get out of the office. But midway through reading the latest gossip in Entertainment Weekly something caught my eye. It was an employee setting up a display for Twizzlers, but these were no ordinary Twizzlers, they were “Cinnamon Twizzlers Fire” and to top it off they were of the pull-n-peel variety.

If you have lived in a cave for the last ten years and do not know what pull and peel is let me tell you. Pull-n-Peel is a fantastic spin off of the original Twizzlers; they take nine shoestring-thin ropes and stick them all together to combine one solid as a soft candy rope. Granted studies show that only 7.4% of people actually “pull-n-peel”***, despite these studies the people at Twizzlers feel that weather you choose to “pull-n-peel” or not the candy still tastes fantastic.

Anyway, I obviously purchased two packs of the Cinnamon Twizzlers Fire Pull-n-Peel and once again fought the elements in my 20 foot walk back to my office. I was so excited to try them out I failed to notice that the cashier overcharged me to the amount of $.98. Instead of two for $2.00, which the sticker attached to the package so clearly displayed, I got charged the normal price of $1.49 per bag.

Undaunted by the loss of $.98 I continued on with enjoying my new found snack. I opened the package, and without pulling or peeling, I gave one a bite. It was pretty good, it tasted like Hot Tamales crossed with Atomic Fireballs. During the next twenty minutes I managed to consume nearly half the bag, obviously ignoring the nutrition label that glared back at me saying “serving size 1 piece”.

After some more research on why I have never seen these before I discovered that they are only exclusively at Walgreens. This is a great marketing ploy by Twizzlers and Walgreens. Walgreens, by landing this exclusive contract with Twizzlers is basically saying "in your face CVS Pharmacy". This candy alone will surely put them over the top in their competition to dominate your candy and medication needs.

Overall Cinnamon Twizzlers Fire Pull-n-Peel is a great snack with the perfect amount of cinnamon kick to it. They also prove themselves as being very addicting, less than three hours of purchasing them I had consumed the entire bag. Despite being over-charged the Cinnamon Twizzlers Fire Pull-n-Peel over-delivered in my book that’s why I’m giving them a perfect 5 flying monkeys out of five






***Proven in a real scientific study done by a fake scientist (me)