Disclaimer: The views, grammar, spelling and general hilarity of the author does not necessarily reflect the views, opinions, English equivalency level, skullduggery, and/or Tom-foolery of the site or its other writers, Read at your own risk.(first 2 lines are sung to a bad ass gangsta beat.)
The Grand Masters back with a tragic story to tell.
About three fast food bitches you know so well.
Yes, these stories are tragic. The first 2 are about how the American public is getting over priced and shorted by the fast food industry. It is a clever tactic orchestrated by upper management and carried out by lower and non-management employees: Steal from the customer so you can make internal theft and waste numbers look better. This in turn inflates profits. The last story is about a legendary burger barn forgetting about what matters to the customer and only focusing on output and mucho dinero.
It was the day after St. Patrick’s Day and I was hungover. I knew I needed to get some food into me soon. No greasy burger was going to do it, and I refuse to run for the boarder. I decided that Taco John’s sounded Awesome! A 6 pack and a Pound would do me well. After carefully looking over the drive through billboard, and ordering from someone that also seemed hungover, I now awaited my Crispy Chicken Potato Stuffed Burrito and 2 soft shell tacos with a medium Potato Oles’, and dipping sauces of guacamole and cheese. To wash it down was a Diet Coke. After paying and eating both soft shells at was now me and the open road. It was about time for the Potato Oles’. Surprise Surprise! Strike one comes in the form of no Potato Oles’. I got my cheese sauce, got my guacamole sauce but no fuckin Oles’. These workers need to stop and think. Who orders sides for Oles’ and no Oles’? Probably nobody. Make sure the Oles’ are in the bag. Gets even better. As I was waiting for my order I notice a sign on the window that says there is a 800 number on the receipt and that if you call and tell them how your service was they will send you a $2.00 USD off coupon for your next visit. I thought to myself who the hell is going to take time to call that for 2 bucks. The only people that will be calling in are poor ass people and mostly poor ass people calling to bitch about their order being fucked up. Really, how many orders can they honestly fuck up. My missing items totaled more than $2.00 USD. Majority of people are not going to call in for fear of being labeled as a poor ass. Rob the customer says the fast food industry.
The second story is about something in this world that I can’t live without. Wings! I am going to share my story about getting shorted to save a buck. Ironically I am eating wings as I write this. I first became interested when I saw the KFC commercial about their new crispy wings. I will be the first to admit that I am a huge fan of their Colonel’s Extra Crispy Chicken, and if they can get that same crunch in a wing? I would have to see for myself. Yesterday I needed to go to Menard’s to buy lumber for some manly project I was working on. On the corner of this parking lot is a KFC and the commercial of the wings and the people having a party around a bucket of the crispy wings popped into my head. I had two choices; 6 or 20. I went with 6 although I could have handled the 20 hands down ya know, not sweatin that. Six-pack came and I started eating. After 2 wings gone I decided that these wings are no Buffalo Wild Wings but it’s a new idea and the flavor was great. Something that I would order again but probably not go out of my way for. I should have 4 more wings left but I look down and there are only 3. That makes a total of 5, not 6. Robbed again by the fast food industry during slow business times.
The 4th and last story is how a legendary icon in the Central Minnesota area fell to the almighty dollar and sacrificed qualities the customers came for. This is about Val’s Hamburger Stand on St. Germain in the deep east side of St. Cloud. I remember my dad taking my brother and I there when we were young and would go to town with him so mom could finally get shit done at home. A double cheeseburger with bacon, regular fry and milk shake. The burgers would have to be wrapped in a minimum 2 wrappers because these burgers were so juicy. They would be topped with pickle slices, fried onions ketchup (not catsup) and mustard. That’s how you ordered them, with the works. Fries were a thing of beauty in their own right. Regular sized fry ment this. Burger on the bottom on the bag, regular sized bag of fries then they fill the bag at least half full with more fries. The fries are some of the best you can get anywhere. A shoestring class fry that is in the grease until the perfect crispness is achieved and salted to perfection. I have not been to Val’s in several years. When I got there of course there was a line. But everything in the ordering department is computer automated. Which means no more giving your order to the man, Val. Ok let’s see how bad I can fuck up my order. Eventually everything was ordered and I stood against the wall in the 5x10 foot ordering area. Food came and I ate. First off the onions are raw and not friend, plus they were diced. Pickles were not in slices they were in what looked like a very coarse relish. Patties looked a little fuckin weak too. All in all the burger was half ass. Luckily the fries were good and I don’t use ketchup. Unknown to me all condiments must also be ordered on the touch screen and cost $.05 USD. I was actually surprised by the lack of effort. As I was watching the people in the back making the burgers and fries I notice that they are using a tube with a gun configuration on the end and they are squirting something on the burgers. I thought maybe it was ketchup and mustard. After eating my burger I believe it is a mixture of ketchup, mustard, onions and pickle pieces. This nostalgic eatery in the St. Cloud area has given way to “the man” and now has to cut corners to make it look good in the books. Also I was not pleased because my bag wasn’t saturated with grease. I believe it is the grease and the effort that went into their old burgers is what made them special. I was robbed of a great memory from my childhood by the fast food industry. Plus their fuckin buns were dry as horseshit!0
Overall I give it 0 out of 5 flying monkeys. I feel cheated and so should you.
and burn to a crisp. Not with the chrome penis man hot dog cooker. The brat cooked perfectly and timely. It was juicy and delicious.
