Saturdays Tribute to Rage Show

As I sit here listening to Renegades of Funk eating a orange sherbet push up, only because the Schwan’s man was out of the kind I wanted, I reflect on how kick ass my Saturday night was. I went to the Red Carpet to watch one of my favorite local bands; Tribute to Rage. If you are still lost let me explain it to you. They are a Rage Against the Machine tribute band. The lead singer is the front man for a handful of other local bands, the lead guitarist used to ride my school bus and it is hard to find someone who can rip it like he can, the bass guitarist is an old family friend and he has style. I sat up in the mezzanine area with a group of friends and some people peeps that I met that night. The place was off the hook. The dance floor was elbow to elbow of people jumping around feeling the music and working the flow. The sound is similar to Rage but they put in their own twist to make it their own. I am all for that. I was kickin it with the bassist’s older brother so between sets we went in the green room at the carpet and chilled with the band. They are a total cool group. Plus I met a pretty rad chick that night so all in all it was a kick ass night. I give it 5 out of 5 flying monkeys.

To: Kleenex, From: Concerned Consumer, Subj: Please, Man the F*ck up!

I...

... am a man. This was realized at a very young age at a very awkward moment... gender defining moments that Im sure we all went through.

Like any good man, I grew to appreciate everything that is inherently manly. Beer. Big Explosions. Power tools! Ass kicking in all its forms. Beir. The ruggedness of beard. Food (red meat, or prepared by women). Cars (fast or big, mean or sexy). Chest hair. Fire. Sleep. Not asking for directions. Face melting guitar riffs. Blowing things up. Rational thought and discourse, followed by irrational activities and actions. And never being wrong.

Also, like any good man, I fully realize that I and I alone epitomize all that is man (like any man should). I revel in my statuesque wonder. I radiate beams of awesome that force the weak and feeble-minded into submission. Everything around me exemplifies and reflects the manliest of man.

My issues with Kleenex began at the local Walmart. I entered the store, and headed about, seeking various manly implements needed for only the manliest of ventures. You know, things like car parts! Massive tires! Large Stereos! Biore Pore Strips! And Explosions!! (they were on sale)

As I dodged, ducked, dived, dipped, and dodged around the fattest women Dayton Ohio could muster, I finally stumbled upon the household goods. Figuring that I had strayed from the path of my manliest of missions, I figured I could stop in and pick up a few delicate essentials.

Now at this time, I had been recovering from some kind of sickness. Most likely a badass, manly virus, as it had somehow beaten down my immune system and made life inconvenient for a couple days. My throat was sore and woke me at times in the middle of the night with hacking coughs. My nose was constantly compacted with bodily fluids. Mostly I felt like shit. Well, in the recovery stage, I had begun to discharge large amounts of viscous fluid from my nose. A manly, though inconvenient, occurrence. As cool as this was, I figured a box of ladylike tissues couldn't hurt too much. So I wandered over to the tissues.

This is where I found issue with Kleenex. My small (but manly) apartment is arrayed in striking, bold dark blues and blacks; shades of gray tastefully thrown in. Some might argue that tasteful decorating is not manly, but I say if god gives you lemons... you FIND A NEW GOD!! (Reference from: Here and Here) I had hoped to find a generic box, but no. Alas, Kleenex had shafted me with the girliest shaft it could muster.

As Im sure you've noticed, littered throughout this rant are several boxes of Kleenex. All of them sport sickening arrays of flowers, daintily arrayed in pastels and shades of pinks, purples, and baby blue (although baby blue is arguably a shade of blue, this fact will be ignored to support men everywhere).

What did I have to settle for? Blue flowers.

Man... fuck that.

3 flying monkeys for functionality.
-2 flying monkeys for failing at being awesome.

Minnesota Lady Gophers vs. Wisconsin Lady Badgers Basketball Game

Yes I actually went and let me explain before you jump to any conclusions on your “jump to conclusions” mat. Earlier in the week my dad mentioned that one of his friends dropped off tickets for the Minnesota Gophers basketball game on Saturday. Well my dad couldn’t go, so he asked me if I would use the tickets so they didn’t go to waste. So I said I go if no one else could. Saturday morning rolls around and my sister and mom said they would go with me so I grab the tickets and we headed out.

The first warning sign that I failed to notice was; that while walking from the parking ramp to Williams Arena, there was a large number of middle-aged butch-like women walking with us. The second warning sign was the lack of seeing anyone my age. Well we entered the arena and I still was oblivious to the fact that there would be no real basketball played today. As I walked into my section I looked up and I was overcome with visible shock and said “you gotta be kidding me, it’s the woman’s team” loud enough for the people around me to hear. Next I examined my ticket to see if I should have known this was coming. As you can see from the picture, there is no mention or even hint that it’s the woman’s team. I commend the marketing team. Still shocked about the situation that I put myself into I wandered to my seats and sat down.

Instead of a pretty good fast passed action packed basketball game I was expecting, my next two hours were going to be filled with lay-ups and coaches in pants suits. I sat back in my seat and accepted my fate.

Upon scanning the crowd I realized that I was severely out of place, the other four people in my row had a combined age of 827. Besides the band and male cheerleaders I was probably the only 20-30 year old guy there.

Now I am not a sexist but what I watched there today was an embarrassment to Dr. James Naismithan and the sport of basketball. Yes, some of those girls are very athletic but I’ve watched better basketball at 6^th grade city in-house leagues.

During the game a couple next to me, with Minnesota sweatshirts on, started cheering for Wisconsin and Minnesota, because “all the girls out there are trying really hard”. Hate to break it to them but this isn’t a 5^th grade science fair and they don’t give out participant medals to the girls when the game is over.

The halftime entertainment consisted of two bigger women getting 60 seconds to shoot lay-ups to win some prize. It was like watching Britney Spears’ performance at the Video Music Awards, so bad but you couldn’t look away. In 60 seconds both of them combined to make three lay-ups. Speaking of lay-ups, apparently when a girl makes a lay-up the crowd cheers like she cured cancer and AIDS.

The most entertaining and most WTF Mate? moment of the game came in the form of two guys dressed up as Easter bunnies. They constantly were on the camera dancing but no one ever gave an explanation for why they were there.

For how bad the basketball was the game was close till the very end, I actually was worried that by some cruel, strange twist of fate that the game would end tied forcing several overtimes.

Luckily there were no overtimes. Now I bet you’re wondering who won, the Minnesota Lady Gophers or the Wisconsin Lady badgers well they both lost, actually when women play basketball there are no winners why? Because no one cares.

Today I experienced something no man should ever go to unless you’re guaranteed, in writing, to get some from your significant other. And even in that situation I would not recommend going.

Zero flying monkeys obviously, I need to go do something manly to redeem this travesty of a mistake I made today.

Hot Wings

So tonigh I went to meet some old coworkers for happy hour. We met at a place called the Hayloft outside of St. Cloud. I was hungry so I decided to order some hot wings. This place is famous for their broasted ckicken so I figured the hot wings would be bomb ass too. Well the wings were 7.95 which i thought was pretty steep. When they came I only got 6 pieces. What the fuck! And to top it off the guy had the greese cranked all the fuckin way up because they had a fish special on taht night so the outside was all flakey. All of the hot wing exterior flaked off. The hayloft can bowdown and so can their shitty wings. I give them 0 out of 5 flying monkeys. Never again my friends.

$Buz$

Chipotle’s Crispy Tacos

Last night I was at Old Chicago working on a quest called the “World Beer Tour”. I decided it was time to sample the best beers from our hard working neighbors to the south, no not Iowa, the great nation of Estados Unidos Mexicanos. Needless to say this was a fantastic decision on my part. Nothing says authentic Mexican beer more that a Corona.

As I was reflecting on the muy bueno beer from the previous night, it got me thinking about other great things from Estados Unidos Mexicanos such as their food. I was hungry and after several agonizing minutes of debating what to do, it came to me. Nothing says authentic Mexican food better than Chipotle.

I printed out one of their fax order sheets and mulled over what to get. Feeling like trying something new, I went with the four crispy chicken tacos option. Too “busy” to venture out in the arctic weather, I needed to find someone to go get it for me, someone that does things when told, someone who knows the value of hard work. There was only one person that came to mind, my office assistant. Rather than pull myself away from my work and walk the 10 feet or so to talk to him, I called his extension, informed him of my situation and told him the money and order sheet was on my desk.

He returned about 25 minutes later and brought my food to my desk. The tacos were wrapped up in tinfoil, I thought it was NASA blanket like, to keep them warm, but I was quickly proven wrong. The first problem came when I opened the tinfoil NASA like blanket, revealing only three crispy tacos instead of, what their menu so clearly states, four. Disappointed but too hungry to deal with it right now, I dug in. The first taco I attempted to pick up was already broken and when I picked it up 57% of the contents fell out. Finally after taking a bite I realized that the tinfoil the tacos were encased in was merely for show. I’m no food connoisseur but from the best of my Mexican food knowledge is that tacos are suppose to be hot, or at least warm. Mine were neither hot nor warm. This was a huge letdown, but I was hungry and I did pay for them so I continued on.

On the positive side the tacos were crispy and tasted pretty good, and the chicken despite it being cold had the same good flavor that you’d expect with authentic Mexican. After I was finished with my three tacos, I was very disappointed with my selection and should have stuck with the always reliable burrito.

Overall, the situation with me being robbed of one taco, them being cold, and one being broken upon arrival, Chipotle’s Crispy Tacos, has the potential to be very good. But mine were not, lucky for me I had a bag of Cinnamon Twizzlers Fire Pull-n-Peel and some New Hot Tamales ICE, to fill the void. Because of the situation I’m giving Chipotle’s Crispy Tacos one flying monkey out of five.

Via Restaurant Review

Friday night I tried out a new eatery in the Minneapolis Area. It is called Via Cafe and Bar and is located at 6740 France Avenue in Edina. I went with my good friend Laura. She always knows where the newest places to eat are, offers great conversation, and is pretty easy on the eyes. The inside was very nice. It had a great atmosphere. We were put on the waiting list. I did not make reservations because I wanted to sit in the bar for a drink and observe clientele and the staff. The bar was cool, I thought the room was a little small but it worked. In the middle of the room was the bar, it had a beautiful granite top on it. The seating was limited tho. Around outer edge by the walls of the room were smaller bistro tables with flashy looking chars to sit on incase you decided to eat in the bar area. We got our table and the service was excellent. We asked our waitress about different item, what she would recommend and she was knowledgeable about what we asked her. This is a big plus because sometimes I will get a bite to eat at a sports bar and the servers there are huge dingbats. I would say the layout of the dining area was cozy. Cozy meaning the tables were placed too close together. If someone were sitting next to you they could mos-def listen in on your conversation. Although it was decorated nice and it did have an open kitchen in the back so you could see your food being prepared. Laura ordered the Scallops (big shocker) and the mixed vegetables. The presentation was wonderful. I tried a little bit and it taste great. I ordered the baked cedar plank salmon with the spicy broccoli. I will start off with saying that the broccoli tasted amazing. They used minced garlic and red pepper flakes for their seasoning. Although about 2 hours after dinner I was back in St. Cloud at the bar with some friends and I developed some of the worst smelling burps I have ever had in my life. The after affect was not good. The salmon was standard. It is hard to mess up salmon. I personally have a salmon recipe to die for so it is hard to stack up. The bill came and they forgot to transfer our drinks over from the bar, BONUS. The prices were nothing out of the ordinary. The bill was paid and off we went.

The food was good, atmosphere and company were great. I would go back there again but I am not in any hurry. Krave is about 30 seconds from there so I would rather hit that Restaurant up instead. I would give this place 4 Flying Monkeys out of 5

Cinnamon Twizzlers Fire Pull-n-Peel

Today during my lunch break I ventured through the cold and wandered the 20 feet next door to the Walgreens. My initial intentions were to kill some time and get out of the office. But midway through reading the latest gossip in Entertainment Weekly something caught my eye. It was an employee setting up a display for Twizzlers, but these were no ordinary Twizzlers, they were “Cinnamon Twizzlers Fire” and to top it off they were of the pull-n-peel variety.

If you have lived in a cave for the last ten years and do not know what pull and peel is let me tell you. Pull-n-Peel is a fantastic spin off of the original Twizzlers; they take nine shoestring-thin ropes and stick them all together to combine one solid as a soft candy rope. Granted studies show that only 7.4% of people actually “pull-n-peel”***, despite these studies the people at Twizzlers feel that weather you choose to “pull-n-peel” or not the candy still tastes fantastic.

Anyway, I obviously purchased two packs of the Cinnamon Twizzlers Fire Pull-n-Peel and once again fought the elements in my 20 foot walk back to my office. I was so excited to try them out I failed to notice that the cashier overcharged me to the amount of $.98. Instead of two for $2.00, which the sticker attached to the package so clearly displayed, I got charged the normal price of $1.49 per bag.

Undaunted by the loss of $.98 I continued on with enjoying my new found snack. I opened the package, and without pulling or peeling, I gave one a bite. It was pretty good, it tasted like Hot Tamales crossed with Atomic Fireballs. During the next twenty minutes I managed to consume nearly half the bag, obviously ignoring the nutrition label that glared back at me saying “serving size 1 piece”.

After some more research on why I have never seen these before I discovered that they are only exclusively at Walgreens. This is a great marketing ploy by Twizzlers and Walgreens. Walgreens, by landing this exclusive contract with Twizzlers is basically saying "in your face CVS Pharmacy". This candy alone will surely put them over the top in their competition to dominate your candy and medication needs.

Overall Cinnamon Twizzlers Fire Pull-n-Peel is a great snack with the perfect amount of cinnamon kick to it. They also prove themselves as being very addicting, less than three hours of purchasing them I had consumed the entire bag. Despite being over-charged the Cinnamon Twizzlers Fire Pull-n-Peel over-delivered in my book that’s why I’m giving them a perfect 5 flying monkeys out of five






***Proven in a real scientific study done by a fake scientist (me)

What pisses me off about the Chevy Tahoe Hybrid

I live in Minnesota and require 4 wheel drive. Chevy has jumped on the hybrid bandwagon (which i think is good). They are now trying to do it with their LARGE SUV. They are just slapping a "green" saying and a "green" associated name on it. They are doing this to to try and appeal to people that think an SUV will make them cool and it also helps them Justify spending extra money for something that says hybrid on it and lets look at exactly what you get. First off you get a whopping 20 miles per gallon fuel economy. Give me a break this is a hybrid. Chevy, impress me and quit jacking me around. I know you have the technology to give me an SUV that gets at least 40 MPG. This is just a ploy by the automakers to keep coming out with a "newer and better" modle next year and the year after. In 5 years the 2008 Chevy Tahoe Hybrid will be considered a "gas hog" You will be ridiculed by your artsy fartsy neighbor who just got his 2013 Chevy Tahoe that now gets over 60 MPG and can also run strictly on electricity. Greencar.com had the balls to award chevytahoe the hybrid of the year. I can imagine how this went. "hey everyone, um Chevy said they would give us all a new Tahoe to "test" for the next 2 years if we vote for it." The Tahoe only gets a 30% increas in fuel economy when compared to similar vehicles with standard V-8s...big fuckin deal! The price increase for the hybrid version does not offset the savings in fuel. Plus the hybrid logo across the bottom of the doors looks pussyish. Automakers come back when you have something that can really benefit your customers and quit taking advantage of the general public with you gimics.

I give the 2008 Chevy Hybrid 1 flying monkey out of 5 flying monkeys.








The only reason that it got 1 flying monkey is because it has potential to be a pimped out ride. The body style looks fly and if you got it murdered out balck on black with some 22s and a light chrome package i would maybe take it for a spin up and down Hennepin.

$ Buz $

I

The Plastic Gangster Hat

For my first review I selected the plastic gangster hat that I received during my morning work meeting. The item was given to me as a promotional item for our employee recognition party coming up.


Its stylish design is accented by the flawless plastic look and feel. Surprisingly the white band around the plastic is not actual fabric; it is a sleek design of white cardstock paper glued to the sturdy plastic frame. This is obviously done to achieve maximum durability.


One benefit I found with the band being made of cardstock paper is; it allows you to feel free to show off your creativity in designing or writing anything on it. I for one will be putting my name on it because I wouldn't want anyone to take mine and claim it as their own.


One other positive from the hat is the price, if you looking to stock up on plastic gangster hats for your next Halloween look no further.


Don't get me wrong the Plastic Gangster Hat does have its drawbacks. For one I tried to put the hat on and it was a bit snug on my head. But it still looked very stylish. The only other flaw I found was that the hat gives off a lot of static and messes up your hair, but I guess that goes for all plastic hats.


Overall I really liked The Plastic Gangster Hat, before I put it on. It does well with the price and that wonderful plastic look. But no matter how nice it looks if I can’t wear it without being comfortable it may as well be in my trash.

I give it 2 Flying Monkeys out of 5

Sweat

welcome to the best site for sweat free reviews of random things as choosen by me or buz. if you have any suggestions on what we should review email us, and we'll sweat it out.

Kubz